我不是渡边

     ----ごめん、じゃな——ノルウェイの森

将挪威森林看过几遍的人，中文水平一定会很高。

将挪威森林认真看过几遍的高中男生，并买来披头士的<<Rubber Soul>>在CD里将Norwegian Wood repeat 了无数遍，一定会义无反顾地把自己当成渡边燃尽年少的所有热血来爱上一个他认为一生一世的女孩。虽然，即使；结局总是未知。

由于对性事的洁癖和柠檬的热爱，在小学六年级某节数学课上，当我用文曲星查出了柠檬的英文Lemon，就正式作为自己的英文名。初中的时候，Lemon这个连很多女生都钟情的英文名无法和一个打架从未输过的“社团恶魔”匹配，于是我将m分拆为两个n，Lennon成为了我至今的代号。殊不知，这让我和写挪威森林这首歌的披头士主唱 John Lennon重名。

而让我翻开村上春树的《挪威森林》，是一张余额多出20块钱并且当天就要过期的书店购书卡，无奈之下，我只有随手拿起一本当时放在柜台边上的这本畅销书。

那晚之后，我的影子亦成为渡边的影子。

当舞在电影院悄悄离开，留下我独自在包间看着蹩脚的喜剧电影，并且让我意识到她真正离开我的那天，我从电影院徒步走在逐渐冷清的人民南路上感到无比的孤单。但是，我却并没有想痛苦或者找人倾诉的欲望——因为我的理智里从来都非常清楚的将舞划在挪威森林这部我的人生剧本之外——因为渡边从来没有遇见过舞这个女孩。

那个时候直到之后的很多年里，我一直深陷在对另一个女孩的炽烈情感之中。那种炽烈，如同站在极厚又透明的冰层上鸟瞰几千米下沸腾着的耀眼熔岩，安全又恐慌着，如此一复一日。冰层无可能溶解一丝一毫，熔岩温度无法减少——而这毫无意义的温度却是我胸腔里的血液摩擦着心肌而供给着！

在我懂得爱情之后的这所有年头里，我一直坚定地爱着直子一样的女子。纯洁，纤弱，聪敏，自我。我赋予自己渡边的使命，精心扮演，洞悉巨细。

我精神上得到无比的满足。可承受过的痛苦，其中一秒，足以扯裂这无比满足的全部。

挪威森林对我而言是部尚未写完的剧本，而我是个将生命都投入其中的演员。可是，如果站在另一个书架上遥望我这整个世界，上面的分类栏目标记里，一定是大大的“悲剧”二字。

我从未得到过爱。

这里所指的爱，不包括来自家人的爱。对于包括我在内的很多人来说，家人的爱，是全然不可能足够的。

而恰如其分的，正如挪威森林的第一章最末渡边说的全本书最凄凉的一句话，“直子从来不曾爱过我”。

正如挪威森林的那句歌词所说，“I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me？”

我从未得到过爱。

除了小时候挨揍，曾经一只宠物被送人，姥姥去世，观看某些悲情的新闻小说和电影，妈妈有一次生病，以及曾经自己被抬进手术台时害怕开刀死掉我痛哭过，我至今还痛哭过两次。两次都是为我的爱情；我只为我的爱情哭过两次。

第一次是去年我从此将要一个人的时候——却不是我被甩的那天，因为很多天之后我才来得及反应过来，从此我是一个人了。那是一个半夜，连绵如同灰色群山般挤压而来孤单将我隔离在无人的宇宙里，我满脑子酒精跪在被子里整夜哭得流不出一滴眼泪。

世界坍塌了，森林成为灰烬。

从那以后，我再也没有快乐过。

而第二次，是我意识到，在这蜿蜒纵深至一片广袤黛绿的茂密森林里碌碌生活和追逐了这么多年的我，从未得到过爱。

这一次，我却没有哽咽和宣泄。我只拥有和衣平躺在床单上的力气，睁着眼睛在黑暗里静静流几个小时的泪。存了几年的眼泪，从身体里毫无保留地涌出。后脑陷在枕头里的头发被完全打湿掉。

清醒在一个满载着阳光的中午。拉开窗帘，积雪已经融化许多。深吸一口冰冷空气，双眼被冷冰冰的阳光快速合上。闭上眼睛的刹那，渡边的影子在我后面疾速消失。此时我的身后，只有一个留有我独自余温的床单，和一个被眼泪打湿的枕头。在这闭眼的世界里，没有那片挪威森林。

一直，都没有这片挪威森林。

我不是渡边。我不是Lennon。那森林，只是一本小说，和一首两分多钟的歌。

而如今已是公元2009年。不是1987年，亦不是1965年。

我突然很想去到挪威，亲眼看看那里的森林是怎样的。夏天是否有鸟叫虫鸣和失足掉下去只能看到一轮苍月在其中独自慢慢死去的废弃古井，冬天是否有吉他声和睡在浴缸里的陌生男女。

AC9345，Frankfurt (FRA) Terminal 1---- Oslo(OSL)。

呐，你知道吗？我并不是渡边。

“ごめん、じゃな——ノルウェイの森。”

后记

<<Norwegian Wood>> was apparently inspired by Lennon's extramarital flings. Ironically, he wrote it while he was on a holiday with his wife, Cynthia, at St. Moritz in the Swiss Alps. They were joined by the Beatles' producer George Martin, who had injured himself early in the holiday, and his wife. Martin recalled:

It was during this time that John was writing songs for Rubber Soul, and one of the songs he composed in the hotel bedroom, while we were all gathered around, nursing my broken foot, was a little ditty he would play to me on his acoustic guitar. The song was "Norwegian Wood".

When asked what the lyrics were about, Martin answered:

My wife is going to give me a hard time for saying this. It was one of John's indiscretions. I remember we were sitting at the veranda outside our hotel rooms in St. Moritz and John was playing at his guitar and working out the text: "I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me." He felt that Cynthia had tricked him to marry her.

Martin referred to the words as "a very bitter little story".

Lennon said of the song: "I was trying to write about an affair, so it was very gobbledegooky. I was trying to write about an affair without letting my wife know I was having one. I was sort of writing from my experiences ... girls' flats, things like that." He also said:

"Norwegian Wood" is my song completely. It was about an affair I was having. I was very careful and paranoid because I didn't want my wife, Cyn, to know that there really was something going on outside of the household. I'd always had some kind of affairs going on, so I was trying to be sophisticated in writing about an affair ... but in such a smoke-screen way that you couldn't tell. But I can't remember any specific woman it had to do with.